Before I realized that my life calling for this summer was watching paint dry, I posted an ad to Craigslist saying I was available to tutor. Among the emails I received was one from a Norwegian named James Rice and his even more Norwegian-named son, Hinto. His email read like it had been typed by a drunk in an email typing contest, where the contest was trying to decide who could write to most absurdly poorly written email. When, as any fan of Norland would do, I gave him my home address, shortly thereafter, I received a check in the mail for $2550. I proceeded to ask Norwegian Jim for his instructions:

“HAVE IT CASHED AT YOUR BANK DEDUCT YOUR TUTORING FEE AND TEXT BOOK AND REMIT THE REST OF THE FUNDS TO THE NANNY THAT WILL BRING MY SON TO YOU AND AS SOON AS YOU GET THAT DONE I WILL LET THE NANNY CONTACT YOU AND YOU CAN MAKE SCHEDULES OF THIER ARRIVAL AND WHEN TUTORING WILL GET STARTED AND HERE IS THE MONEYGRAM INFORMATION OF WHERE TO GET THE FUNDS WIRED TO AS SOON AS YOU GET IT SENT ACROSS TO THE NANNY.HERE IS THE PAYMENT YOU WILL BE RECIEVING TODAY VIA UPS

TRACKING NUMBER A379 477 243 2
HERE IS THE MONEYGRAM INFORMATION FOR THE NANNY.

JODY KING
2584 south horseshoe dr
TUCSON, ARIZONA , 85730

AS SOON AS YOU GET THE FUNDS WIRED VIA MONEYGRAM YOU ARE TO GET THE FOLLOWING DETAILS ACROSS TO ME
AMOUNT SENT AFTER MONEYGRAM CHARGES
NAME AND ADDRESS OF SENDERS
8 DIGIT REFRENCE NUMBER

I HOPE TO READ FROM YOU AS SOON AS POSSIBLE
REGARDS”

Now, Craigslist has a myriad way of dealing with scammers, but none of them happened to list extended verbal abuse and mockery. So, as a masked vigilante, like Batman (but instead of a leather cowl and a giant penny, I had the internets)—I proceeded to engage in the following conversation of emails. I’ve posted them up for your pleasure. Enjoy.

FROM: “nolson” | Save Address
DATE: Fri, 12 Jun 2009 18:03:22 -0500
TO: James Rice
SUBJECT: Re: here is what to do

Okey dokey artichokey. But first, I would like to know what you would like me to tutor your son in. I figure since he is new the US of A, a cultural tutoring would be first in order, and I could accordingly teach him ebonics, American jingoism, and perhaps pet care so that he could earn some money taking care of pets while he is over here. Alternatively, he could pose as an art model but in my experience little boys are usually not comfortable posing naked in front of others. Anyway, I am very qualified to teach pet care or whatever to your son, please let me know at your convenience and then I can continue our transaction.

FROM: James Rice | Save Address
DATE: Fri, 12 Jun 2009 16:13:31 -0700 (PDT)
TO:
SUBJECT: Re: here is what to do

WHAT IS ALL THIS???

FROM: “nolson” | Save Address
DATE: Fri, 12 Jun 2009 19:30:10 -0500
TO: James Rice
SUBJECT: Re: Re: here is what to do

I’m sorry; I should have explained myself. I only mean to ask what you would like your son to be tutored in so that I can know what textbooks to order, so I can register the check and ask for the proper amount. I am currently tutoring others in aerobic exotic dancing and yodeling and advanced micturation technique, as well as other more academic areas, so I can offer them in recommendation. I studied all these subjects in college until they asked me to leave after I had freed all the animals from their zoo after a night of salacious partying.

Anyway, let me know what subjects or textbooks you would be interested in have your son tutored in, and I will cash the check right away.

FROM: James Rice | Save Address
DATE: Fri, 12 Jun 2009 17:36:04 -0700 (PDT)
TO:
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: here is what to do

ENGLISH(READING,WRITING AND COMPREHENSION)

FROM: “nolson” | Save Address
DATE: Fri, 12 Jun 2009 20:41:17 -0500
TO: James Rice
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: Re: here is what to do

You’re son is seven years old, I am correctly? How much English does he know? Because I could purchase Chicka Chicka Boom Boom and start from there, or if he knows more good than this, I could learn him the greats of the language like Meyer.

I’m most happiest to tutor yor son in english….. I only wish I was your son so that I could of been learned advanced micturition technique from the most best english tutor in the land. When I was a younger boy living in the foliage all I had was Mrs. Frunkles and it was because of her that I got addicted to drugs, but, don’t worry, I’m not addicted anymore, believe me, and look, even if I was addicted to drugs, I wouldn’t be able to pay for them so it’s not like I live in Holland where the government gives you free drugs so you can be high as the Flying Dutchman.

So let me know how well your son knows English, if any, and I will purchase the according textbooks and cash the check.

FROM: James Rice | Save Address
DATE: Mon, 15 Jun 2009 06:22:37 -0700 (PDT)
TO:
SUBJECT: Goodmorning

Hello
How you doing today?well am sending this email to let you know i would be waiting to read an email from you with the transfer details as soon as you have sent the fund to the nanny via western union and moneygram
Thanks alot
Have a great day

FROM: “nolson” | Save Address
DATE: Mon, 15 Jun 2009 17:14:35 -0500
TO: James Rice
SUBJECT: Re: Goodmorning

Good to hear from you again, Mr. James,

I will be ready to send the fund as soon as I know the textbooks, and in order to determine which textbooks to use, I would need to know your son’s level of English comprehension. Does he know any English—If so, how much? Could he understand hours and hours of Dan Quayle youtube videos? Can he read or write at all? If so, at what level? Could he write an analysis of my interpretive dancing in iambic pentameter? Let me know how much English he knows, and I will get the proper textbooks and complete the transfer.

One other question: Does he have any allergies? In particular, is he allergic to cats? You see, I have about 32 cats that currently live with me. Don’t worry if your son does have allergies; I’ve been trying to get rid of my cats for awhile now because they normally just menstruate all over the furniture and the other day, one even ate some of my drugs, but I can’t get rid of them because they keep making more baby kitties left and right and putting them to sleep is too expensive and they don’t taste that good, besides mouse traps aren’t big enough to get rid of them and I called and no one sells cat traps and even though I have enough cardboard and paperclips, my cat traps don’t work.

So if you could just let me know how much English your son knows and if he has any allergies, especially cat allergies, I’ll transfer the money ASAP.

Cheerio,
Mr. Nick

FROM: James Rice | Save Address
DATE: Tue, 16 Jun 2009 14:44:04 -0700 (PDT)
TO:
SUBJECT: WAITING

Been waiting to read an email from you with the moneygram transfer details for the nanny.what gooing on

FROM: “nolson” | Save Address
DATE: Tue, 16 Jun 2009 17:21:30 -0500
TO: James Rice
SUBJECT: Re: WAITING

Darling Jimmy boy,

I specifically told you: I need to know how much English your son knows before I can determine which textbooks to use.

Please let me know how much English your son knows on a scale of 1-7 as soon as you can and I will transfer the money.

Gards gards,
Sir Nicholas

FROM: James Rice | Save Address
DATE: Tue, 16 Jun 2009 15:41:29 -0700 (PDT)
TO:
SUBJECT: Re: Re: WAITING

who is jimmy?tod you he can write,read and speak good english what else you want?/

FROM: “nolson” | Save Address
DATE: Tue, 16 Jun 2009 17:59:22 -0500
TO: James Rice
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: WAITING

Who is Tod?

And is your son allergic to cats?

Le’chayim
George Dreyfus, Earl of Nicholashire

FROM:
James Rice | Save Address
DATE: Tue, 16 Jun 2009 22:41:01 -0700 (PDT)
TO:
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: Re: WAITING

No one is by the name Tod all i wanted to write was Told… And no his not allegic to cats and wonder why you taking so long on handling this transaction

FROM:
“nolson” | Save Address
DATE: Thu, 18 Jun 2009 16:52:30 -0500
TO: James Rice
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: WAITING

I’m really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really sorry, but one of my cats ate the check before I got the chance today to wire it over.

Could you please issue me another one? Pretty please?

-Mr. Chuckles (It’s my nickname and you can use it because I feel like we’re pretty much friends already)

He never responded. That should teach him to besmirch Norland.